For too long we have been told we must hide our homosexuality. We have been asked to live a lie. We have been forced to live double lives. We have been told by our homophobic society to deny who we really are and whom we love. We have lived with enormous fear - fear for out rights, for for our jobs, fear of te loss of those we care about, and, at times, fear for our lives. Coming out is a step towards greater integration in our lives. It is a testing of out fears and our paranoias about personal rejection. It leads us towards fuller and more honest and saitsfying relationships with those around us. Coming out will not solve our problems; indeed it can create new ones. But coming out offers to many of us a greater sense of reality about the loves, fears and relationships in our lives.

Coming out of the closet is an ongoing issue in the life of virtually every gay person. There are many stages in the process, and most of us embark on that process time and time again. It is not simply telling one's parents, joining a gay organization, having a lesbian or gay love affair or moving to the gay "ghetto" in a large city. Coming out has to do with the way we persceive ourselves, with how we deal with our sexualities, how we structure our lives and how we present ourselves and our loved ones to our families, to our friends and to the world. It is a life long process, in which we constantly deal with the acceptance and integration of our gayness within a partially repressive and hostile society.

For some gay men and lesbians the process of coming out is a relatively easy one - there never is any great difficulty in recognizing or accepting homosexual feelings. For many others the process in its initial stages is often more painful. We may struggle with great difficulty for a long time before we are able to affirm ourselves as gay people, to say nothing of sharing that fact with those whom we love.

We live in a society in which we have been consistently indoctrinated with the worst myths, fears and stereotypes about homosexuality. We were consistently told as young people that it is not good to be gay. Indeed our society is structured in a way which often assumes that everyone both is, and ought to be, heterosexual. With such a context it is not surprising that many people - be they old or young - have experienced the gravest difficultly in accepting their homosexual feelings or orientation. The guilt has been unwarranted. The pain cannot be justified. The occasional suicides represent a tragic fact. The homophobia which so affects the feelings and behaviour of non-gays towards us has a very damaging effect upon the ways we may perceive ourselves.

The process of recognizing and accepting one's gayness van be a very lonely experience, but it s becoming easier for us to accept our feelings and our gay or lesbian identities. We can see out sexuality as a positive and joyful part of our lives. We can see the injustices we face and the immorality of failing to tell young people the truth about homosexuality.

There are a number of stages in the coming ut process. The first step is acceptance, which presupposes the recognition of being homosexual. You say to yourself, as one lesbian put it, I always knew I was different, and this was it.

Coming to have positive feelings about one's homosexuality is an essential pat of the coming out process. Until one feels good about being gay, it makes little sense to share the fact of one's sexual orientaton with othrs (unless tat are very clearly friends or helping porfessionals who are prepared to assist you towards greater self-acceptance). The person who says to a parent, friend or employer, I have something horrible to tell you about myself is not coming out. S/He is seeking pity or revealing self-hatred.

Celebration coms next, as you begin to co-ordinate your feelings and desires with yor place in society and to feel good about yourself. Celebration is when you are happy to be you. Celebration is saying "this is who I am, and I am going to enjoy it!"

The next stage in the the coming out process is shring the fact of your sexual orientation with othes. This goes hand in hand with the integraion of your sexuality wit the rest of your lige and consciousness. Most individuals conside their sex life, including their sexual orientation, to be a very personal matter which they do not want to discuss with all and sundry. But among heterosexuals, by social convention, while details of sexual practices are kept private, relationsops are openly acknowledged and celebrated; wedding bands are exchanged, shared activities are described, joint invitations are given andreceived. This kind of public acknowledgement gives support and pleasure to the couple. This isthe kind of public acknowledgement which gay couples also need and want.

The steps are not always taken in this order. The process is not always a smooth and easy one.

The final step in coming out, after other gay people, family and friends are told, is the general feeling that I don't cae who knows. I'll come out to the world! Sometimes this is done by wearing buttons or T-shirts with gay slogans, sometimes by exaggerated, overtly gay behavious. But, most often, secure and confident men and women let the world know by just living their normal lives and no lying any more.

When you do begin to come out to non-gay people, your experiences will probably vary. Sometimes it will go well. Occasionally a relationship will be terminated abruptly or will fade away enexpectedly. From the experiences of many gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals, their parents and friends, we offer a number of suggestions about coming out. You need to evaluate these suggestions in the light of your own personal situation and needs.

*   Be clear about your own feelings about being gay. If you are still experiencing a lot of guilt or depression, seek help in getting over that before coming out to parents or friends. If you are comfortable with your gayness, those to whom you come out will often sense that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance of you.   *   Timing can be very important in coming out. Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems or those with whom you would like to share your sexuality. The mid-life crisis of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control have affect another's receptivity to your information.   *   Never come out during an argument. Never use coming out as a weapon. Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having "caused" your sexual orientation - they didn't.   *   Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people at first. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try to let people be honest about their initial feelings, even if they are negative. Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be the long-term one. Ultimately, the individuals who have really fared and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than those who give an immediate but superficial expression of support.   *   Emphasize that your are still the same person. You were gay yesterday, and will be tomorrow. If you were loving and responsible yesterday, likewise you will be loving and responsible tomorrow.   *   Keep lines of communication open with people after you come out to them - even it their response if negative. Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the myths and stereotypes about gay people that we have all received from our culture. We have had time to analyze and dispel these, give them the time to do the same.   *   Encourage your parents or others to whom you have come out to meet some of your lesbian or gay friends. This can be a great way to normalize homosexuality/bisexuality and can dispel the common myth that gay people lead lonely lives.   *   Remember that it took us a very long time to come to terms with our own sexuality and even longer to decide to share the fact with others. When you come out to a non-gay person, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you. Don't expect immediate acceptance. Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.   *   If you are rejected by someone to whom you have come out, do not lose sight of your own self-worth. Remember that your coming out was a gift of sharing an important part of yourself which that person has chosen to reject. If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile. Is any relationship so important that is must be carried on in an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding? Was the person really your friend or simply the friend of someone he or she imagined you to be? Remember that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world. Coming out decisions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self respect are extremely important in the long run.   *   A casual or offhand approach often works best with work mates and relatives. Sometimes a confrontational situation can be avoided simply by being honest, in a controversial way, about who you live with and date, and how you spend your leisure time. The other person is given a chance to recognize the circumstances of your life and to adjust to your homosexuality without being obliged to make some immediate response to the issue.   *   Remember that the decision to come out is yours. Don't be guilt tripped into it by people who think that everyone should come out, or by snooping people who ask impertinent questions. You can usually choose when, where, how and to whom you wish to come out. At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one's sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.   *   Try not to let your family or close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as neighbors or the media! Try to tell them personally beforehand.   *   One last point: NEVER LET YOURSELF BE PRESSURED INTO COMING OUT BEFORE YOU ARE READY. NOT BY THIS PAGE OR ANY PERSON.